By Rachel Heston Davis with contributions by Michael Shane West
Journalism (16th century-2009) was found dead today on the Internet, sparking a wave of controversy over possible causes.
Its lifeless body was discovered in a pool of its own wildly speculative articles, most of them from the Internet, and rushed to the presses where it was unable to be revived.
Concerns about Journalism’s failing health began several weeks ago, following an avalanche of online articles about celebrity deaths, births, and divorces. The articles’ focus on speculation, their opinions paraded as factual indicators, their tendency to repeat points disguised as new information, led many to the conclusion that Journalism was in serious trouble.
Autopsy reports are expected as early as next week, but investigators already hinted at the Internet as a prime suspect.
“It might be the result of the over-exposure stories receive on the Internet,” the chief detective said, “though it could just as easily be something else. Nothing will be certain before the autopsy results.”
Another factor came to light early Friday morning: the 24/7 Factor. According to this theory, our country’s short attention span and demand for instant gratification forces reporters to put out new stories almost constantly. This leads them to invent new angles that may be little more than exaggerations of remote possibilities.
A source with knowledge of the situation said, “Journalism talked about the 24/7 Factor a lot in recent months. I can’t help but see that as more than coincidence.”
Police insisted nothing can be certain until the autopsy results come in, but noted that the 24/7 Factor was not yet ruled out.
Some believe that Journalism’s death may have been caused by an accidental overdose of these two factors which, when combined, produce deadly side effects.
Whatever the cause, Journalism’s demise comes as little surprise to its staunchest critics. It came under fire decades ago during the rise of sensationalist tabloids, a time in Journalism’s life which its closest friends still deem as “a dark and difficult point for Journalism.” This only compounded the scandals involving propaganda over the years, which Journalism always failed to comment on. The worst blow to Journalism’s reputation came when it was loosely associated with the death of Princess Diana in 1998.
Unconfirmed reports suggest that Journalism may, in fact, have taken its own life, but friends and family members say this is not the case. Journalism was reported in fine spirits the night of June 25, preparing for a round of commentaries the next day on Michael Jackson’s death.